Awhile back I came across the Three Rules podcast on YouTube, hosted by Matt D'Avella.1 Aside from being a neat and novel format for a short-form show, I've noticed among current cultural fads the growing affections for personal aphorisms or rules to live by. Jordan Peterson obviously had his book on the subject, 12 Rules for Life, which did quite well for itself.2 Parker Settecase, from the Parknotes family of YouTube channels, has his proverbs notebook as well. Even among the Catholic circles I inhabit there seems be a revived interest in spiritual direction and developing personal prayer rules and routines to help guide spiritual life and development.
Overall, I think it's a pleasant and good trend to see emerging. It also started me wondering if I had any sort of rules I tend to live by. In a strict, systematic sense I think probably not. But there are a few key phrases I tend to try and keep in mind in moments of need that put together form some semblance of a social compass.3
So, for those interested and curious, here are my three rules.
1. Assume the Good-Will of the Other
When I was doing missionary work in Scotland, one of the phrases the community I lived with taught us early on was that we ought to "assume the good-will of the other."
Community life can be tricky, and often involves some level of social tension even at the best of times. Anyone who has lived in that sort of space will know it can be easy to let pet peeves and paper cuts pile up into bigger wounds and unhealthy conflicts.
Especially if you're a bit self-deprecating or scrupulous, as I'm prone to being, it's easy to think people see you the way you see yourself. Which often isn't in the best of lights. This tends not to help in moments of conflict or tension either. Because, in your humanity, you can get defensive.4 It becomes a battle or struggle with the other, as they're somehow detracting from what you're trying to achieve.
It doesn't have to be seen like this, however. That's what this rule gets at. Assuming the good-will of the other often means re-framing a situation and disarming our social defensiveness and self-protection mechanisms. For me, it tend to start with the question "What if they want this to work out as much as I do?" This can be whatever the current fixation of the tension is. A relationship, a project, an occupation or vocation, or even just a slightly uncomfortable conversation. Suddenly instead of struggling against someone for a result, I'm working with them to reach it. Again, it's a disarming factor that can help create a more balanced approach to a conceived problem.
Beyond that, assuming the good-will of the other involves faith, hope, and charity. I must have faith that even at my worst, those around me see me in a better light. I can hope that things work out better because I'm pulling with others rather than pushing against them, and being pulled up to better heights than any of us can achieve alone. I must also be charitable in my words and actions, because I am the recipient of charities from those around me daily.5
I put this rule first for a reason, it's the most helpful to me personally. It takes the cynicism out of conversations and internal dialogues, which has helped me develop and deepen friendships that have carried me through good times and bad moments.
2. If In Doubt, Double Check
If rule one is about assuming the better of those around you, rule two is about asking for clarity when things start getting hazy. This can also vary in magnitude. When I'm getting mixed social ques on a day from those I spend time with, or if I'm not quite sure I'm on the same page as someone else in a discussion. Big or small, if in doubt it's good to just double check.
This rule is also informed by it's predecessor as there can be a wrong way to go about it. If we think, for example, that someone is annoyed about something we've done we can often, again, become defensive when we try to address it. "Why are you upset at me?" or "Why are you acting like...?" can sometimes, even with the best of intentions, hit the nail too hard on the head and split the board, only serving to escalate a situation. At other times it may make conflict where there might not even been in any in the first place.
The Proverbs reminds us that "A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."6 One way in which we become gentle in our approach for seeking clarity is to assume good-will.
This starts with a moment. Literally. If we take a moment to pause and think about how we're phrasing the question, and if we're showing good faith in that, it's a good set-up for healthy dialogue. One of the ways in which I've learned to do this in daily life is using the framework of internal narratives. "I've noticed this thing is happening at the minute, and the story I tell myself when that happens is..."7 It's a handy framework shift for me. Sometimes it let's me see where my angle on a problem might be misinformed before I even get a response. In any case it's at least less accusatory than the common knee-jerk reaction can come across as.
In any case, a gentle clarification can go a long way. So if in doubt? Double check.
3. Failure Doesn't Have to Be the Last Word
Being more pragmatic for a second, the previous two rules are pretty ideals. Good ideals, even. But ideals nonetheless. We can and probably will miss the mark on them.8 But when that happens? Try again. Failure doesn't have to be the last word. Isn't that a relief?
I once heard an Orthodox monk put it this way:
It is the nature of angels to never fall, of demons to fall but never rise, but it is the nature of mankind to fall and yet rise again.
I thought that was pretty cool at the time, but there's a deep truth hidden in there. That feeling when you do something wrong and you want to wallow for a minute? That's not a holy inspiration. You were made to get back up. This doesn't mean we don't acknowledge our falls, or seek healing and repair from them. We can do that too. But both those things have to involve getting up again first.
The wording of this rule is designed to exercise hope, as well. If failure doesn't have to be the last word, that means the story of the day, week, month, or even life, can have a better note to end on. But in order to get there, you have to see it through.
So give it another try, go farther or higher or deeper than you did before, failure doesn't have to be the last word.
In Short
This whole post can basically be summarised in five words: Trust, talk, and try again. But I hope the longer form and phrasings proved at least a thoughtful prompt for you about your own journey with the Church through this worldly wilderness. In any case, I have more posts you can take a look at if you fancy, like this semi-related piece on discernment and commitment.
I've kept an eye on Matt's projects on-and-off since his work on the Minimalists documentary, but I must admit this one slipped under my radar for a long while.
And which I admittedly haven't read.
I've even managed to narrow it down to three phrases as well!
The "you" I keep referring to here can also read "I", "me", or "my".
Seen and unseen.
That's Proverbs 15:1, in case you were curious.
There's usually a more concise way to put this, too, but when speaking more generally it can seem clunky,
I know I certainly do in any case.