Decisions, Decisions
And the fatigue of uncommitment
Have you ever met one of those people who wear the same outfit everyday? Not necessarily the exact same outfit, mind, but identical sets of clothes almost like a non-occupational uniform.
If you're wondering, the answer is yes. I was one of those people for a while.1 Yet I wasn't trying to be the next Steve Jobs or, God forbid, Mark Zuckerberg. I wouldn't have described myself as a minimalist or called it a "capsule wardrobe." My logic was rather more utilitarian, I was fighting exhaustion.
The Daily Death of Indecision
Not to tip my hand too early in the matter, but I think a lot of us are a bit more exhausted than we think.
See if this sounds familiar: It's the weekend, you're not working or studying, and you've got three or four ideas of something you could spend the time on. Here's the catch, you also know you only have time to actually do one of them. So you try to weigh it up, which do you feel more motivated to start with? Which one might be finished quicker than expected? What would you enjoy the most once you got into the swing of it? Suddenly, before you've chosen any of the options you had laid out, your Monday morning alarm is going off and you have to get to work.
If you've experienced this, then it seems I'm in good company.2 I've come to term that feeling of squandered time staring down "the daily death of indecision."
It's daily because, while our example was a bit more prolonged, it can happen in lots of small ways too. It occurs whenever you open YouTube or Disney+ and spend the time scrolling, not watching. When you look at dozens of new books in the Kindle or Kobo store when you could be reading those books you haven't even opened yet, you've fallen victim to it. It strikes when you end up watching all the content in the world about a hobby that interests you, rather than actually trying the activity for yourself. In all of these, we favor the idea of activity rather than actively doing first-hand.
Purpose vs. Possibility
Perhaps some prefer it this way. Someone I look up to once said that, "...to say yes to one thing is to say no to the possibility of infinite others."
Maybe for a few people the infinity of the possible is more appealing than the reality of finite commitment. But this is a deception. As Catholics, we weren't made for endless passivity, we've been called to find purpose in pursuit of sanctity.
Let's look again at the example of daily outfits.
You have to wear clothes each day.3 Yet if you spent hours humming and hawing about what to wear because you liked having the options of all the possible clothing combinations, you'd be exhausted before you even left your bedroom each day. Uncommitment is exhausting to the mind.
The Good, The Bad, and The Better
Of course, when we are faced with a decision there are usually a multitude of options we have to pick from. Lots of those decision might be good. Perfectly fine choices should we pick them. But knowing which of them is the better choice? That can be the real challenge.
Often this is when another paralysis hits: Trying to prioritize for what is optimal. None of us want to pick an option we know is bad or harmful. But sometimes we can be afraid of choosing something good because of missing out on the better.
I think here of a quote often attributed to St. Augustine:
Love God and do whatever you please: for the soul trained in love to God will do nothing to offend the One who is Beloved4
Sometimes if you don't know how to discern the better choosing something good is enough. So long as you know it is good.
This is the secret behind the identical outfits. For me, I didn't really need or know how to create the perfect fashion fit. But I had enough resources and sense to wear a decent aesthetic. So I chose that in advance to make sure everyday I didn't have to stop and think about my outfit, I was wearing something good already and I could move on to other matters.
Were the gains from this type of decision minimal? Probably. But it was the principle that mattered to me. Indecision tires you out and traps you via inaction. Choosing the good, in any case, frees you to move onto something more.
Development and Betterment
Often by making the choice of something good we can also come to understand what the better is in the first place. By making the choice for good again, and again, and again we see where the shortfalls are in those moments. This in turn enables us to choose something better next time we're presented a similar choice.
This is what I think Augustine is getting at with the aforementioned quote. In our spiritual life, as long as we're determined to avoid sin and pursue holiness, choosing a good helps us understand our own needs and strengths. Then, in seeing ourselves with better clarity, we can grow in our awareness and ability to be transformed by the renewal of mind discussed in Romans 12.
But it takes commitment.
Practice, Perform, Perfect
In my day-job of developing software, we often talk about a similar process. A previous mentor of mine described it as "the three Ps":5
Practice — Try different methods of solving the problem.
Perform — Implement a solution that works.
Perfect — Optimize the working method.
It can work for more than just code too. Say we want to pray more:
First we try various methods of prayer, like Lectio Divina, the Daily Office, or the Rosary. We're practicing prayer. Then once we find something that genuinely helps us grow in prayer, we can focus on implementing that into our routines somehow. That's the perform step. Finally, we commit to that practice and start finding ways to work the fruit of our prayer into the other activities of our daily life. That's how we pursue the perfection of the good we've found.
If you can't tell already, it's hardly an overnight process. But again, what's our alternative? Uncommitment will drain us and stagnate us. Discipline in our discipleship will free us to become what we are called to, participation in Our Lord's own blessed life.6
Righting the Wrong
Of course, sometimes we won't make the right choice at all. We might end up making a decision that leaves us flat on our face. What do you do then? You get up, and choose better next time.
In the words of Sr. Josephine Garrett, CSFN, at this year's SEEK conference:
Don't let anyone tell you you're a fake Christian because you fall. Christians don't not fall. Christians get up after they fall...
Or in an older saying:
It is the nature for angels to never fall. Demons to fall and never rise. But it is the nature of man to fall and yet rise again.
So make the next good decision and get up, and commit to choosing better next time. There's no other way forward. With grace, discipline, and a commitment to choosing, progress is possible.
If you're looking for some further reading on this topic, I recommend Ascension Press' book Pray, Decide, and Don't Worry: Five Steps to Discerning God's Will.
You'd be surprised how little people actually noticed it, even if they were universally baffled when they found out.
I can't be the only one this has happened to, right?
Surprising some of these things need to be said, really.
I think, provided I've researched correctly, this is from a homily on 1st John 4.
Not to be confused with what we in N. Ire call "Free Ps" (Free Presbyterians).
CCC 1